In my twenty-five years of claim Consulting I have come across individual families who, when one spouse becomes disabled, develops a much needed support group consisting of a non-disabled spouse and related family. While family support is generally a good thing, it sometimes isn’t.
But first, let’s talk a little bit about the disabled spouse and what happens when someone finds they are no longer able to work in a much loved profession, or, loses a source of financial contribution to their family.
It has always been my experience, and, by the way, it makes no difference whether the disabled spouse is a man or woman, that there is a great deal of emotional trauma at the loss of a chosen career or job.
In addition to managing a physical or mental disability, including a disability claim, guilt, shame, sadness, regret, and helplessness manifest themselves emotionally, sometimes to the point of causing depression and anxiety, a second disability, literally. The depression might not be visible, but it’s there.
Disabled women spouses become sullen and silent while disabled men slide into the background with shame. The loss of participation within the family group is demeaning and hurtful to those who are disabled. They feel as though they’ve lost everything, whether it’s openly expressed to the other spouse or not.
Having a disability claim enforces the belief that here’s another aspect of their lives they are not in control of. And often enough, disabled spouses internalize loss, guilt, and anger, not unlike the various states of grief (mourning). Although there are so many emotional variables involved in “disability”, I can say that each persons feelings and reactions are unique unto themselves.
Enter herein, the healthy spouse, so intent on providing the disabled spouse with support, and ensuring the survival of the family, that he/she takes over and controls the entire existence of the disabled spouse.The healthy spouse may “take over” family finances, solely makes decisions regarding children, and begins to speak for the insured on every occasion.
All this is happening at a time when it is crucial for the disabled spouse to feel valued, important, and able to keep their own personal power to contribute and be heard. Disabled persons strive to be in control of their own journey and be able to make their own decisions, even in the face of serious medical illness.
Believe me when I tell you that in my career I’ve come in contact with some of the most narcissistic, Type A healthy spouse personalities you can imagine, both men and women. I can almost hear the silent helplessness in the background by the disabled spouse.
Having to deal with spousal control over the disabled spouse is sometimes very difficult for me as a Consultant, but for those of you who know me, they’ve certainly come to the right place. I advocate for the insured, and no one else.
To those spouses who are currently in control mode, let me emphasize that it is important the disabled spouse be uplifted, given the opportunity to manage their own thoughts and words, and especially when they can, to speak for themselves. Although they may have difficulty doing so, the emotional gain is well worth it.
While it may seem the shortest distance to “take over” your spouse’s family duties and responsibilities, it is not helpful for them to lose their sense of personal power at a time when they already feel helpless and vulnerable. It is essential for disabled persons to feel in control of whatever they can manage to be in control of.
Let me end by saying that insurance companies DO NOT like to communicate only with healthy spouses who appear, as they put it, to be “managing the claim.” Spouses who just “jump in” and “take over” a disability claim aren’t doing their spouses any favors. Predominant vocal healthy spouses are seen as “red flags” and additional investigation activities are put in plan.
My concern as a Consultant rests with the disabled insured. Although disabled, sometimes severely, disabled persons have the right to manage their own lives, family, claims, emotions and feelings. The disabled need to feel that they are valued, capable, and able to contribute to their own lives. They can still think, and speak for themselves.
Consider how YOU would feel if a family member entered the room and “took over” all of your communications and decision making? Now, think about how you would feel if you were already devastated, and helpless emotionally. Under the guise of “protection” and “support”, absolute control over a disabled spouse contributes to the demeaning process, and narcissistic persons probably won’t see that
Disabled insureds need to know that the support provided by their husbands and wives will allow them to function within their own physical and mental capabilities, and will protect their freedoms to remain valuable assets to their families and communities.
In my opinion, there is no shame, or giving up of anything when one becomes disabled. And, only rarely, should a non-disabled spouse take control over another’s life. Believe me when I say, your disabled spouse already feels hopeless enough.
